Rediscovering My Life

 

I’m rediscovering my life and it feels so good.

For the past four years, I’ve been suffering from depression and severe anxiety. My life has been on hold; it’s often been difficult just to get through the day. My interests during this time have been nonexistent. I’ve barely touched the computer. It has been hard, at times, just to make a decent meal or take a shower. On three occasions I’ve been hospitalized.

The self I’d known had virtually disappeared.

None of the 13 medications from the psychiatrist have helped much. This summer I started getting a bit better, but only after receiving regular electroshock therapy.

Now, however, after a neurological test, they may have found out what is wrong with me. A walking EEG exam revealed seizure activity in my brain that could explain the anxiety I’ve been experiencing. The neurologist put me on a medication called Lamotrigine two weeks ago.

Since then I’ve felt like a new person, or rather, like a person I used to know. After four years away from my life, it feels like I’m discovering it for the first time.

The biggest revelation has been the computer. Though I was doing the basics, like checking email, and taught myself how to blog again this fall, I’d forgotten how to work every other program on my computer. In the last two weeks I’ve used Youtube and Google to relearn programs I haven’t used in years, including Omnifocus, Evernote, Lightroom, Feedly, Twitter, Bitly, Itunes and Devonthink Pro Office. In many cases it’s been like learning them for the first time. I’ve had to reset almost all of my passwords. But it’s felt like Christmas.

I’m also rediscovering our house, where piles of stuff have accumulated during my illness. I cleaned out and threw away scores of old vitamins the other day as well as 11 vials of old medications. Today I purged a pile in the living room with my husband. It was interesting just to see what was in it. And I have only just begun to fight as far as the house goes. Bags of stuff await Goodwill with more to come once I finish the cleanout and my husband catches up with me. (Good luck, Bill.)

I’m also reconnecting with my writing life. I rejoined two writers organizations and have found an entire book on the computer that I’d been writing when I got sick, I don’t know if I’ll finish the book, but at the least it will be interesting to read it and see what’s there. (It’s a first person account of late motherhood but I’m not sure how the last four years fit in.)

I’ve found clothes, shoes and jewelry I’d forgotten I had and have taken a few pieces of the later to be repaired. They’ve been sitting in the closet, broken, for years. I”ve also started listening to podcasts and music again.

I got a new camera, the Nikon D750, and spent last weekend reading the manual. Photography was a big part of my life before I got sick, but I haven’t had any interest in it since. I found a photo processing program in my computer called Lightroom. I don’t have the faintest idea anymore how to work it so I’ve reread a Lightroom book I found on my shelf that I hadn’t opened in years. Yesterday I discovered that I have another book on Lightroom, which was news to me, and which I may reread too.

It’s like starting over or coming out of a time tunnel. Things that are actually quite old, like the versions of my computer programs, feel brand new. And I’m so happy to rediscover them that I don’t care that I’m four years behind the rest of the world or where I would have been had I never gotten sick.

It all makes me believe that we’re only as good as our interests. By rediscovering my life I’m finding myself again. It’s like reuniting with a very good friend but even better because it’s me.

I’d forgotten how much I was involved in and how much I loved my life. Yet God knows, I’ve  missed it.

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Is there part of your life that you’d like to rediscover? Share by commenting below!

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Comments

  • Simone Diament

    April 11, 2017 at 3:18 pm
    Reply

    So sorry you had to go through this dark time but happy to hear that you're on the other side. Let me know if you […] Read MoreSo sorry you had to go through this dark time but happy to hear that you're on the other side. Let me know if you need any help. I live close by... Read Less

  • Anne

    March 26, 2017 at 4:38 pm
    Reply

    That's the best news ever! So happy for you!

  • Anne

    March 26, 2017 at 4:36 pm
    Reply

    Very happy to hear your news!! Enjoy the farmers market!

  • Nancy

    March 25, 2017 at 8:05 pm
    Reply

    OMG what great news! I'm so glad you have found something that works. Enjoy meeting yourself and getting back to life before anxiety […] Read MoreOMG what great news! I'm so glad you have found something that works. Enjoy meeting yourself and getting back to life before anxiety took over! Read Less

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About Jennifer

A former journalist for The Wall Street Journal and Time, Jennifer is the award-winning author of Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life and pens the MidAge Mom blog.

She’s profiled exceptional women from the Middle East to Latin America. Widely published, her essays have been included in two anthologies.

Jennifer is also a frequent radio and TV guest. Full Bio

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In Beyond One, Jennifer chronicles her leap from one child to two, describing the enormous impact the second child has on a woman’s body, marriage, family life, friendships and work.

"Hull is the kind of woman many moms long to be friends with. . ." -The Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Credits

The Wall Street Journal, Time, The Atlantic Monthly, CNN.com, MS., Parenting, Real Simple, Salon.com, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, Working Mother, Harper’s Bazaar, Marie Claire, American Way, Brain, Child, The Christian Science Monitor, and more.